PMS

PMS to me stands for many things other than what my OBGYN says it should. It stands for the Grand Canyon/meteorite crater zit arriving at the same time, the same place, in the same fashion-strutting its ugliness as if it just arrived on the red carpet. PMS stands for a minimum weight gain of 10 pounds to the point where I may as well put on the maternity pants from 9 years ago and call it a day. PMS stands for I can't believe I just ate a whole loaf of french bread and followed it up with half a bag of gluten free chocolate chips because they were there. PMS means don't touch me, don't ask for sex (even if you thought you had a chance you don't, but sometimes you do as long as you don't touch me). It stands for-wow, I just solved world peace, world hunger, cleaned the house, am now running for president, and just created 15 new business models. PMS stands for-crap, I'm not pregnant and sometimes I wish I was, but I don't because that means I would have had to be touched. PMS stands for I might be late to work since I can't see out of my left eye due to the dull, serrated knifelike headache I've incurred in a recent hormone surge. (I've begun to name them like hurricanes, this month I'm calling it Thomas-he's a doubting type of headache). PMS means when I die and skirt through the flames I hope to have a long conversation with Eve and tell her how I just don't get it-fruit's overrated, she should've made a purse or a pair of boots out of the serpent and passed on the roughage. I think it'll be a nice chat. I'm looking forward to it. BTW, I'm printing this list off for my gyno who I will be seeing on guess what day? That's right, THE most romantic day of the year to get racked and lubed, Valentine's Day. Or as he lovingly refers to it as V-Day. He's a funny guy-think he'll appreciate the list? Should I bring him gluten free chocolates? I think I will.