Chocolate Chips & Cool Whip

As I read my other bloggers reports, it seems as if half of them are either leaving Utah, looking to leave Utah, left Utah, or going through something bigger than them while in Utah. Utah has this weird boomerang effect feeling that does not allow you to be here unaffected. So, last week my girlfriend (who gets to live where its warm) sent me a magnet with that great phrase, Stressed backwards spells Desserts. It arrived just in time to spend a week on the fridge mocking me as I spooned fat free cool whip into a Pampered Chef 1 cup measuring bowl, mixed with chocolate chips, and sometimes a dab of you guessed it, Hershey's syrup. I'm not proud of this concoction, but it does save me the calories of eating ice cream, and seems to do the trick. Stressed does not begin to describe what has been going on in the Nelson house. After a summer of tonsils and house looking, we kept asking God to pave the way for a home that would give us a little more space and a yard, and less of a drive for James to get through another winter of commuting. We put in a handful of offers on several newer homes and the door kept getting closed. Each time it closed, I thought great we're done and then shapow-I'd see another home that looked fun to go check out and I'd call our wonderful realtor to trek down from Layton to come let us in to another fun filled day of frozen coffees, poopy diapers, and whining kiddos in the 100 degree weather complaining that they didn't want to go into another house. We love our home here in Daybreak. We are so very blessed to have had great friends help us with our basement, guide us in our decisions on what colors, how to design it, etc. It's new. The house that God chose to not shut the door on, is not. It's completely not what I expected us to go for, it's not anything like what we have now, in fact, it is a beautiful mess. If my insides were drawn into a house plan, that would be this. We know it doesn't make sense, but we are drawn. We are scared to rent out our current home, but thank you to all who have prayed with us, we have renters! So, with all the anxiety that comes with taking a financial risk, change of environments, school, etc. we are official owners of what I have affectionately nicknamed as "The Compound" and will be moving Sept. 6th to Draper. This home will be a work in progress for the next 30 years, but we are grateful for the space and the shorter drive for James. I will post pictures soon, but if you see me at Harmon's reaching for the fat free Cool Whip, don't judge.....I'm stressed and it's dessert!

Crossroads

Ever since arriving to Utah, I'm not gonna lie, I've been looking for a way out. I'm cold in the winter, too hot in the summer, there's no beach, etc. When God paved the way to bring Esther and our family together, I thought this is why we came to Utah. Of course we came because we thought we were done with California and were looking for better job opportunities for James, those are all the "second things", but I wanted to find the spiritual meat, the true reasoning for plopping us in a place where so often I feel like a visitor in an episode of the Twilight Zone. So, again, after Esther (A.E.) I thought thank you God now get us out of here. The thing is, my husband, he loves his job (a job is a job, but he has a great one) and he grew up in this culture and is able to relate to his peers in a way that I can't. Could it be possible that God is not done with us here? I have been chewing on that since March. God has shut the door on any other job opportunities, He has opened our hearts to have relationships with people that I would never have been available for before, in hindsight in our 2 years here, He has provided exactly what we need. So now what? What is the crossroads? The crossroad hinges on what to do with however long we have here. Where to invest our time, our energies, where does He want our focus. That's a hard thing to answer when I feel like our selfish desires and all too true sounding self justifications are competing for the truth. I want to want what God wants for us here....I think. If I am being truthful, I want to run and hide first, be done with the harsh reality of where we've landed, and then kind of embrace His plan. So, in dealing with this I've been reading the PAPA Prayer by Larry Crabb and am coming to realize that my wants will come in line with His wants when I am relating to God first and not considering all the "seconds" above my relationship with Him. I can say that, but I'm having a hard time laying it all down. Surrender seems to be the straw that is breaking this camel's back. Surrendering the seconds, the job, the house, the relationships with friends that are now broken, what church we do or don't attend, what school my kids go to, finalizing an adoption....lay it down, right next to the hershey's. Lay it down and move forward to the firsts that He has waiting, the eternal firsts. Lay it down.

The Last Wave Goodbye

When the 6 and 8 year old were toddlers and James had a 3 hour commute in his black Geo Metro (he's 6 foot 4-enjoy the visual), I remember the sinking feeling I would get in my tummy as he would kiss my sleepy head at 5am and turn to wave goodbye from our bedroom door. Three hours on the 15 or the 91 California freeways is not considered the safest trek. Now we are down to a 45-60 minute commute to Provo and I haven't had that sinking feeling in a VERY long time...until this morning. I don't know if it's a feeling of being left behind with kids and laundry piles, knowing that he is off to a busy day of problems, meetings, and lunches. He loves his job, I struggle with all of mine. I don't know if it's that combined with unmentionable fears of my high school sweetheart waving goodbye as he innocently hums a ditty about how people love his yellow jeep (he's a morning person) as I am frantically trying to catch the spit up before it rolls down my back. I guess it's both of these things and just the uncertainty of how do I do this every day? How do I entertain 3 kids, get things done in the home, referee the fighting over Marble Run? Left behind, waving goodbye....doing the best I can with the resources I have to be the best mom and wife I can be and trying not to fill this hole with anything less than what is true. I'm a good mom, some days I'm fantastic. Just because my paycheck may come in crumbs off the table (if only I was paid a dollar for every one-now who would make more?) that doesn't define my worth. My worth is found in the important things, in the bowls of oatmeal, in the diaper changes, in the tickle times. In the aw mom, why do we have to read, it's summer? I'm the bad guy today hoping that the investment brings little rewards along the way to a huge payday when I see 3 young women who are happy with who God made them to be and can have the security of knowing they had a mom who invested, a mom who loved, and a mom who cared enough to enforce the important things. Today the husband is waving goodbye, tomorrow it will be one or all of them and for today I choose to be present, to find joy in our days together, and have the courage to smile and whisper I love you when it is time to wave back.

Ho-Hum

Nothing to say, Everything to say. I have been somewhat dormant on my posts for a while. I seem to be stuck in this nothing vs. everything paradox that has me swirling like toilet water flushing. I don't want to go down the drain and say everything that is going on in my head, but if I say nothing my insides will begin to rot like the underside lid of a Texaco mens room.

Where is the balance? Where is the Glade foo-foo spray?

Do I only feel good, choosing joy when things are going in my favor? Truthfully, yes. When I want to lie to myself and others, no.

I found myself typing my husband an email the other day. I was in bed. It was 2 in the afternoon.

Within the hormonal pmsing onslaught of fears, expectations, more fears, etc. I found myself typing, "I was not meant for this life. I was meant to be something spectacular." Wow. Read that again. Have you been there?

Today as I was cleaning off my desk for the 900th time looking for that 1 post-it I still couldn't find, I found a half read copy of my favorite magazine, Relevant. I needed to recycle it so I could move along (I am a self proclaimed, recovering pack rat), but something told me to flip through it. I listened. Within it I found an article by a pastor whose close friend had died and she apparently had a zest for life unknown by most. His whole point to the article and a point well taken, was that God intends to give us life in the full, life abundant (John 10:10) and that this woman embraced that life and lived it to the fullest. Those words...full, abundant, they don't affect me, they are ho-hum in my warm and fuzzy vocab category. But he went on. He continued by saying that word abundant what it truly means is extraordinary, overflowing, unusual.....something unexpected maybe? Those are words that get me going, get my blood pumping. They define our adoption experience, our autism journey, our life in Utah, our marriage of almost 15 years (to the same person:)). God wants me, He wants us to be spectacular, which is why when I am not living my most abundant life where He has placed me, I get bitter, I write long emails from my comforter to my spouse, I eat chocolate syrup from the can (I know I can't be the only one). So, how do I choose joy, in the emptiness of this life? I think about this question: What do I want people to say about me when it's all said and done? Then act. I get busy, I make it happen. I love. I giggle. I cry. I write. Ho-hum is not what is in His design. I am spectacular. You are spectacular. Get out of bed. Put down the Hershey's. Be abundant.