Crossroads

Ever since arriving to Utah, I'm not gonna lie, I've been looking for a way out. I'm cold in the winter, too hot in the summer, there's no beach, etc. When God paved the way to bring Esther and our family together, I thought this is why we came to Utah. Of course we came because we thought we were done with California and were looking for better job opportunities for James, those are all the "second things", but I wanted to find the spiritual meat, the true reasoning for plopping us in a place where so often I feel like a visitor in an episode of the Twilight Zone. So, again, after Esther (A.E.) I thought thank you God now get us out of here. The thing is, my husband, he loves his job (a job is a job, but he has a great one) and he grew up in this culture and is able to relate to his peers in a way that I can't. Could it be possible that God is not done with us here? I have been chewing on that since March. God has shut the door on any other job opportunities, He has opened our hearts to have relationships with people that I would never have been available for before, in hindsight in our 2 years here, He has provided exactly what we need. So now what? What is the crossroads? The crossroad hinges on what to do with however long we have here. Where to invest our time, our energies, where does He want our focus. That's a hard thing to answer when I feel like our selfish desires and all too true sounding self justifications are competing for the truth. I want to want what God wants for us here....I think. If I am being truthful, I want to run and hide first, be done with the harsh reality of where we've landed, and then kind of embrace His plan. So, in dealing with this I've been reading the PAPA Prayer by Larry Crabb and am coming to realize that my wants will come in line with His wants when I am relating to God first and not considering all the "seconds" above my relationship with Him. I can say that, but I'm having a hard time laying it all down. Surrender seems to be the straw that is breaking this camel's back. Surrendering the seconds, the job, the house, the relationships with friends that are now broken, what church we do or don't attend, what school my kids go to, finalizing an adoption....lay it down, right next to the hershey's. Lay it down and move forward to the firsts that He has waiting, the eternal firsts. Lay it down.