Ho-Hum

Nothing to say, Everything to say. I have been somewhat dormant on my posts for a while. I seem to be stuck in this nothing vs. everything paradox that has me swirling like toilet water flushing. I don't want to go down the drain and say everything that is going on in my head, but if I say nothing my insides will begin to rot like the underside lid of a Texaco mens room.

Where is the balance? Where is the Glade foo-foo spray?

Do I only feel good, choosing joy when things are going in my favor? Truthfully, yes. When I want to lie to myself and others, no.

I found myself typing my husband an email the other day. I was in bed. It was 2 in the afternoon.

Within the hormonal pmsing onslaught of fears, expectations, more fears, etc. I found myself typing, "I was not meant for this life. I was meant to be something spectacular." Wow. Read that again. Have you been there?

Today as I was cleaning off my desk for the 900th time looking for that 1 post-it I still couldn't find, I found a half read copy of my favorite magazine, Relevant. I needed to recycle it so I could move along (I am a self proclaimed, recovering pack rat), but something told me to flip through it. I listened. Within it I found an article by a pastor whose close friend had died and she apparently had a zest for life unknown by most. His whole point to the article and a point well taken, was that God intends to give us life in the full, life abundant (John 10:10) and that this woman embraced that life and lived it to the fullest. Those words...full, abundant, they don't affect me, they are ho-hum in my warm and fuzzy vocab category. But he went on. He continued by saying that word abundant what it truly means is extraordinary, overflowing, unusual.....something unexpected maybe? Those are words that get me going, get my blood pumping. They define our adoption experience, our autism journey, our life in Utah, our marriage of almost 15 years (to the same person:)). God wants me, He wants us to be spectacular, which is why when I am not living my most abundant life where He has placed me, I get bitter, I write long emails from my comforter to my spouse, I eat chocolate syrup from the can (I know I can't be the only one). So, how do I choose joy, in the emptiness of this life? I think about this question: What do I want people to say about me when it's all said and done? Then act. I get busy, I make it happen. I love. I giggle. I cry. I write. Ho-hum is not what is in His design. I am spectacular. You are spectacular. Get out of bed. Put down the Hershey's. Be abundant.