The Last Wave Goodbye

When the 6 and 8 year old were toddlers and James had a 3 hour commute in his black Geo Metro (he's 6 foot 4-enjoy the visual), I remember the sinking feeling I would get in my tummy as he would kiss my sleepy head at 5am and turn to wave goodbye from our bedroom door. Three hours on the 15 or the 91 California freeways is not considered the safest trek. Now we are down to a 45-60 minute commute to Provo and I haven't had that sinking feeling in a VERY long time...until this morning. I don't know if it's a feeling of being left behind with kids and laundry piles, knowing that he is off to a busy day of problems, meetings, and lunches. He loves his job, I struggle with all of mine. I don't know if it's that combined with unmentionable fears of my high school sweetheart waving goodbye as he innocently hums a ditty about how people love his yellow jeep (he's a morning person) as I am frantically trying to catch the spit up before it rolls down my back. I guess it's both of these things and just the uncertainty of how do I do this every day? How do I entertain 3 kids, get things done in the home, referee the fighting over Marble Run? Left behind, waving goodbye....doing the best I can with the resources I have to be the best mom and wife I can be and trying not to fill this hole with anything less than what is true. I'm a good mom, some days I'm fantastic. Just because my paycheck may come in crumbs off the table (if only I was paid a dollar for every one-now who would make more?) that doesn't define my worth. My worth is found in the important things, in the bowls of oatmeal, in the diaper changes, in the tickle times. In the aw mom, why do we have to read, it's summer? I'm the bad guy today hoping that the investment brings little rewards along the way to a huge payday when I see 3 young women who are happy with who God made them to be and can have the security of knowing they had a mom who invested, a mom who loved, and a mom who cared enough to enforce the important things. Today the husband is waving goodbye, tomorrow it will be one or all of them and for today I choose to be present, to find joy in our days together, and have the courage to smile and whisper I love you when it is time to wave back.