Herman's Head

So, the test results came back negative-THANK GOD! When the relief set in, I then became obsessed with then why am I still dizzy. Is it possible it's something more?

In the 90's they had this show, Herman's Head. I LOVED that show. I LOVED the fact that they divided this guys head into different people talking, reacting...living. That is how, on most days, I am....divided reactions, wanting to be doing one thing when I'm doing something else, feeling high, feeling low...talking to myself, etc. No, I'm not crazy (although I do think that is in the eye of the beholder or your spouse), but I do have moments where I think that a weeks stay in a padded room with no cell phones or kids asking where their soccer socks are and why I didn't pack their sweatshirt (am I the only one who can find outerwear?) would be of great value to me.

So, part of my head, like most of us, is filled with resonating thoughts and images of our parents. That part of mine is a little jacked up, but when the newly turned 7 year old called my mom to thank her for her bday gift, I was quick to grab the phone and relay my woes. Her response was poignant to me. She asked if I was stressed...I scoffed at that. I told her we had the 2nd and final post placement interview with the social worker, I told her I'm doing my best to juggle my job with the demands of a growing family, I told her the renters were moving into our daybreak home and how are we ever going to manage this new mortgage? I laid it all out there and what she said to me was this. She asked me to think back to the first few months when the older girls came home from the hospital. She asked me to remember how that felt for me, what kind of stressors, what kind of "not enough"ness was brought out. Then she said this is part of your process with E. It's a little delayed and coming in bits and pieces, but when it comes, it comes. She reminded me of my worth. She reminded me that I am teaching these girls to love themselves and to know what that looks like (even though I am at times petrified as to what they are seeing from me).
I feel like my body has betrayed my emotions. Emotions can be hidden, for a time, and I guess mine was done hiding. I am not feeling much better, but I am at least grateful that she helped me identify that this is, in fact, part of my process and it's up to me to find ways to change it if I don't like it.....to that, I say, Chunky Monkey Yoga anyone?
Do I dare....? Chubby chicks in spandex...the image continues....although I could go fully clothed in a snowsuit so they wouldn't know if that bulge was me or the suit. Snowsuit Yoga...sweatin' to the chakras. Namaste.