Reactionary Bliss

So, I've missed bible study, mops, and life in general these past couple days due to an overwhelming bout of dizziness and disorientedness. No bueno. That was in the middle of a stomach flufest and Aunt Flo decided to join the party. There were no hats and blowers, just a messy redhead. Apparently it takes almost crashing the car to say "yes please" to the next available appointment at the drs. So, we had a chat. Wasn't a fantastic chat and blood was drawn....not his. Tonight as I'm typing this, I feel old. The gratitude I was feeling in my last post has dissipated in an anxiety ridden haze of "what if". I feel like my efforts to take care of myself the past 2 and a half years may have been futile. Darn the gene pool.....I am hating those with no allergies, those without back problems, those that are naturally thin. I am, in this moment, a hater. It's not personal, if you are one of those, it's my own struggle, my own road to walk, whatever it may or may not be. I just typed the words, isn't God good...all the time in my other blog and I am now choosing to say yes, no matter what phone call I get tomorrow, yes. My hope has to be in Him, not in this mole ridden face of mine or in my hubby's goatteed jaw or in the know it all doc. My hope has to be in what I know is true....God is good, all the time. My reaction(s) to my circumstance is just that...my emotion, my reaction. He doesn't change, I do.

Ok-so those things are so easy to type and that's what I really want to believe, act, and be. Truth is I'm scared, I'm trying not to worry, and I'm at least grateful I've made an effort to prevent some health things from happening, but it may not have been enough....that's my fear....that I'm not enough, what I do isn't enough, I am not enough. How do I get over this...the I'm not enoughness? Especially when I live in a culture that it seems women wear silent veils that resonate this theme. I don't want to be like that. I want to trust that all will be ok, I don't want to go from happy to panic in 3 seconds flat. I guess it's a choice. It's maturity in my relationship with Christ, but I want to be real and voice my vulnerabilities in the hopes that it will allow others to do the same, but also because it will eat me alive if I keep it in. I realize this is somewhat of a ramble blog. Let's face it...ramble blogs happen. I feel better, you may be confused, but the authentic jaggedness of my thoughts, feelings, and emotions have always been consistent in their inconsistencies. So, as I try to remember where I left my pillow, I pray that my reactions will not require a tranquilizer and will update when I get the test results back.

This blogging thing truly is cheaper than a therapist....with less feedback and prescription meds. Whoever thought of this thing should be making millions.