Expectations

Webster's defines this word as "the degree of probability that something will occur"-I define it as a major roadblock. I think we all grow up having degrees of probability placed on us. Mine were, you will go to church, you will clean your plate, you will ONLY use 3 squares of toilet paper at a time (1979 toilet overflow by yours truly), you will get good grades, you will show me respect, you will not fight with your sister, you will be quiet around adults, you will not interrupt, and of course you will go to college (even though we have no money to put you through it, but you will go). So, when I did work 2 and 3 jobs to get myself into a premed program, I began to put similar expectations on those around me. My roommate-you will be kind to me even though you don't know me, my parents-you will keep my room available for weekends even though you want to turn it into an office, my boyfriend-you will marry me. This cycle seems never ending to me and yet, up until today, I thought that I was on the wagon of "NO EXPECTATIONS", the candle was passed to me and I said, Hello, my name is Susan and I have no expectations. Today I fell off that wagon. I guess a part of me is not surprised, old wounds resurface with an unintentional laugh or look, and all of a sudden I've put on the same old wrinkled skin that I thought I had shed. I think part of it is I have been in and out of states of transition for the last 2 years and because I want to know people, really know them, I feel like I am constantly opening myself up to criticism, rejection, and sarcasm. Up until now, I have been able to join in on the laughter at my own expense. I am tired of that. I am tired of living up to what I think are other people's expectations of me and then when I truly try to get to know them, I'm rejected (possibly unintentionally) or don't come packaged in a way that works for them, so I can't be a part of their circle. What I know is that God knows my heart. He knows I am crying inside (and sometimes on the outside) when people hurt me; that I have a passion for my community, those placed in my life, and I am screaming to be HEARD and included!!!! I am guessing this is not my time to have a posse and that it is forcing me to look up and be grateful for those around me, that do hear and do care. I realize I'm whining at this point and I really don't have a good conclusion, but that's what everyone expects, right?